'AITA for not telling my coworker my brother passed away and catching her in a terrible lie?' UPDATED 2X (2024)

She didn't believe that my other brother was unavailable because she saw that he's single on Insta? I have no clue what she's talking about because he never had an account. My best guess is that she assumed one of my male cousins (who shares our last name and is in pics with me and my brother) was actually the third triplet. Who knows, never engaged with the whispers because I hate confrontation.

A day after that, some of my coworkers come up to me and ask what's wrong with me. I was super confused. They then told me that my brother had SA allegations against him in college and the real reason I didn't set him up with Kate is because I knew he was dangerous but still supported him. Apparently Kate said she found all this out from someone who also went to my college (I'm still in the same town).

I was shocked and just told them that was impossible because my brother passed when he was 14. They didn't believe me and then called Kate over and all 3 of them called me liars. I showed them pictures of the funeral, pictures of us at his grave, my brother and I holding his picture at our graduations.

Then they all piled on me on called me a liar for not saying my brother had passed. But Kate made up a horrific allegation for no reason? They are all icing me out and whispers are going around the office. I don't know what they're saying but no one seems to understand my side.

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. I talked about my brother the way I always have. The girls made me feel like I was such a horrible person and a liar who can't be trusted and I don't understand. My family is all on my side but they're all fiercely protective of me and especially my deceased brother's memory so it's biased. AITA?

TL;DR: I never mentioned my brother is dead to a relatively new coworker. She made SA allegations about him which I disproved since he had already passed by then. They're all blaming me for not mentioning he passed and not her for making up a crazy story and disrespecting him.

Commenters had OP's back in response.

Aromatic-Mushroom-85 wrote:

I would make a complaint with your manager/ HR about Kate making false rumours about your family and forcing you to discuss your grief. F-ing hell even if he wasn’t deceased (May he rest in peace), I’d not want Kate anywhere near me/ my family.. It’s completely up to you and your story to explain, but maybe next time you could word it different to “he’s not available”. But she definitely crazy.

OP responded:

Thank you for that. I work at a small private medical clinic so we don't have any formal HR. But I'm hoping our admin manager will suffice. I'll see if I can think of any alternate wording that I could use if the question comes up again

Gredush wrote:

I'd report this "Kate" to HR.

But I don't get why you are not being honest about your brother's death. It is not exposing you to any vulnerability. A properly stated sentence can save you from a lot of misunderstandings

In my experience telling people he's gone off of the bat ends up opening a whole host of unwanted questions. They're well-intentioned, but sometimes it feels invasive and opens the wound all over again. I don't hide the fact. I open up to people once I feel like they're closer to me and I can trust them with my baggage.

But for me it's too heavy to just drop in casual conversation when the only question is "How many siblings do you have" Other people definitely feel differently about that though.

Asobimo wrote:

Honestly I find it very weird, and dehumanizing I guess? Because they don't care what kind of person they both are, or to see them as a person. To me they seem like their thought process goes: "Oh pretty. Pretty taken? Well what about the other pretty? They are both the same so I can just go for the other one."

OP responded:

Yeah that's definitely true. Not my favorite part about being a triplet but everyone always sees us as interchangeable. I definitely found it weirder as a kid but it happened so often it doesn't even register as strange anymore

Healthy_Brain5354 wrote:

Did your other brother (who is taken) have SA allegations against him in college or did she just make the whole thing up?

OP responded:

Definitely not. We went to the same college and had overlapping friends and there's no way me or his gf wouldn't know if so. His current gf is the only girl he's ever had a thing with in college.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

My one and only update. :) I just want to address the way I talk about my brother since there are so many mixed opinions. I can never ever talk about my brother like he never existed. To me that's so disrespectful to his memory.

I think you won't understand unless you're in these shoes. If you are and speak about your loved one differently, that's fine! My brothers and I did everything together. We were born and raised as a set of three. We wore matching outfits and went to the same schools. We immigrated to the US together. We celebrated every birthday and major milestone together.

When he died, a part of me died too. I haven't enjoyed my birthday since because instead of being happy I'm older I just think about how he can't celebrate his own day. No life circ*mstances change the fact we were born as triplets. I could never say I have only one brother because to me that's not true. My other brother and parents speak the same way. A lot of people in my grief support group do too.

No one has ever gotten upset at me and have been very understanding about it. However people have been weird when I used to say he was deceased upfront (soon after his passing) which is why I switched in the first place. Which is why I was so stunned Kate blew up at me. But I think I might consider being more blunt. I guess someone's gonna be mad or weird about it no matter how I say 😭

Not long after posting, OP shared another update.

UPDATE: So I was too chicken to talk in person to my administration manager right away after this post and all of the help. I emailed her when I left for work Monday (and she was still there for another 2 hours) and asked to talk in person today before clinic started. Work was definitely weird but I just avoided Kate and those girls and got help from other staff when needed.

I talked early today to my manager after she read my email (shoutout u/mtngrl60 for her template, I used most of it and just added some more identifying stuff) and she was horrified. Apologized to me again and again and told me all three would be dealt with. But seems like she was most angry at Kate.

She didn't guarantee exactly anything would happen because she still has to do an investigation and get everyone's sides, but I think they will definitely be punished some way. I don't know if that's getting fired or suspension or just scolded. But that made me happier!

I think I should clarify my coworkers other than those three haven't been icing me out, just whispering because they know something happened between us. But I like them and they're very nice to me. I didn't talk to them about it since I took it up higher but I hope they understand me. I'm not sure if I'm staying at this office, depends on what happens to the 3 girls in the next weeks.

But I probably won't update again. I know a lot of people wanted me to take legal action, but I really don't want to rock the boat too much. I'm applying to medical school right now and hope to start in Fall 2025 so I just want this behind me fast and not have any court stuff on my record for now. If it gets too bad I'd rather just leave and enjoy my last year of freedom. :D

That's pretty much all that happened. I wanted to thank you all so much for all of the kind words these past days. I was going through confusion and you're comments made me angrier towards Kate and made me take action. You are so sweet and helped me through a tough time. I think I'll be okay. :)

Comments kept coming.

AnneBoleyns6thFinger wrote:

I also have a brother who passed, and most of the time when I speak about him, it probably sounds like he’s alive to other people. It is weird to start off an anecdote with “this one time my dead brother and I-“. What you’ve described is exactly what my sister and I both do, that’s completely normal and absolutely not the a-hole for keeping private something so painful.

K_A_irony wrote:

Dude Kate is deranged. I am so very sorry this happened to you and I get the not mentioning your brother died in casual conversations. I am glad your boss is taking this seriously.

ghoulslat wrote:

Kate made up false SA allegations because she couldn’t screw your brother who she didn’t know anything about. What a freaking psycho.

Ihadtologinforthis wrote:

I think people who aren't part of a twin, triplets, etc...don't get it. You never stop being a triplet, you always are one even if one you is gone. How do you explain you "were" a triplet? That's not really a thing. Plus honestly it's easier to keep saying past tense than bumming people out and having an awkward moment, I save those for people I'm close with lol. All the best to you op, hope things get better for you!